RECOVERY FROM INCEST "A Family Plan"

It was a normal family reunion until the moment my uncle picked up my daughter. Audi was not yet two years old. He reached for her and everything else around me faded into hot, white fury. I could only see that man with my baby. Not her, I thought, never my baby!

Deciding it must stop
While most parents warn their children about strangers and "good touch, bad touch" we rarely extend these cautions to members of our family. I've found that this is often true, even when a survivor knows firsthand that a particular person is an offender. When an adult survivor has children, those children are at risk if the offender is still alive and not in prison. Very few incest perpetrators go to jail. With statistics like one in four girls molested by the time she's 18 and one in six boys, we must realize that there are many offenders at large.

My cousin was still talking to me, but I no longer heard her. I turned toward my uncle and y daughter. They were only a few yards from me and a couple fast steps closed the gap. I jerked her out of his arms and warned him, "Don't you ever touch my child again!"

Emptied of color, his face seemed very old. He lifted his hand as if motioning me to stop, but his hand dropped as I continued - loudly. "I was just a child and afraid of you, but I'm not anymore and if you ever so much as look at my daughter inappropriately I will send your carcass to jail faster than you could possibly believe! Do you understand me? I am not keeping your vile secret anymore!"

My uncle had been quietly molesting female children in our family for 25 years. When the truth came out at the reunion, we learned that only two of my 14 female cousins had escaped him. If we are to protect our children, the truth must see daylight. In my family this happened because I lost control when I saw him with my child.

If you are an adult survivor with children, don't wait until a crisis moment like I have experienced. Take action toward protecting not only your children, but the children growing up in your extended family. Start talking to your relatives today. In my experience working with adult survivors, other cases of abuse are usually uncovered.

"...remember, that admitting it happened is the first step to recovery."

Someone is hurt when the secret is revealed
When my cousins and I began talking about my uncle, a few of us were concerned about hurting the rest of the family. Most of us had not admitted being raped or molested to anyone. Some wondered aloud if anyone would believe them. It was the same fear that had guarded the secret for so many years.

When your family begins telling the truth for the sake of the children, some of them will admit the incest for the first time in their lives. While they are suffering, remember that admitting that the abuse happened is the first step to recovery. Other family members who weren't violated might think you're just stirring up trouble.

After the initial anger dissipated, some of our relatives said things like:

• "It happened 20 years ago, why can't you just forget it?"
• "He's an old man now, leave him in peace."
• "If you're Christians, you should forgive him and get on with your lives."

My mother, devastated by what her brother had done, grieved for the lost trust. She too felt violated. Over a period of a few months, she grilled me about every time she could remember leaving me alone with him. This sort of family turmoil can be difficult to face. It might seem easier not to tell than face the varied responses of your family.

Taking steps to heal a family
My cousins and I began meeting once a month. Those of us who had recovered began helping the others. During these meetings we laid plans to protect the children. The most important thing to us was figuring out whether any of the children had already fallen victim. One of my older cousins had two daughters that were 10 and 12. Another cousin had a daughter also 10.

Most of us were molested between the ages of eight to 12. The girls' parents insisted that "surely, they would tell us." Yet, we had not told our own parents who were loving and supportive. It was just too horrible to put into words. When questioned, one girl said the uncle had tried to kiss her, "like a boy who likes you would kiss you." Another said she didn't like the way he touched her when he was hugging her.

We began including the girls in our recovery meetings right away. We did not ask the girls, "Has anyone touched you inappropriately?" Since we had a known offender, we asked our questions directly about the uncle and how he related to them. Our family statistics with children was running two out of three preteen girls.

Then the third came forward and admitted that her cousin, the uncle's 22-year-old son, had tried to rape her. She fought him off by hitting him with a lamp. It seemed that our family was in a cycle of despair that could not be broken.

Confrontation
The parents of the new incest victims immediately sought counseling for their children besides our family recovery group. The parents of the girl who was nearly raped by her cousin decided to prosecute the young man. While they hoped one day to be able to forgive him, their main concern was the victim.

All of us worried that unless we took drastic actions, the cycle would continue. Our grandchildren would be next. We could not let it happen again. A message had to go out within our family that we would not tolerate sexual assault on our children. Before the parents filed a police report, we visited our uncle and his son.

We were in a group, 12 survivors, spouses, and several of our parents. We had prepared a written statement to read. For various reasons, it is not always possible to confront offenders, but direct confrontation brings the offense into the daylight. Without the secretive cloak of shame, incest cannot continue.

Here is a summary of the statement we used to confront our family offenders. You might need to alter parts to make it suitable for your own family.

• You will acknowledge that you have horrendously violated the trust and love of your family by molesting and raping children.
  
  
• Any further declarations of innocence will result in total isolation from yonr family members.
  
  
• When any inappropriate touching occurs, yon run the risk of legal prosecution for criminal sexual conduct.
  
  
• You are banned from any family functions that include children unless you enter a program to rehabilitate criminal sexual offenders.
  
  
• Since alcohol has been inherent in this problem, you will also enter a substance abuse program.
  
  
• Your incestuous behavior will no longer be tolerated by the family you have betrayed. Until we are convinced that you have undergone a full recovery from your madness, you will always be a suspect.
  
  
• If you have molested anyone outside our family we will stand with those victims and affirm them. You will not become involved in any program, service or job that requires contact with children. If you violate this demand, we will contact your employer directly.
  
  
• We have chosen as a group to forgive you. Because we forgive you, we insist you undertake recovery. It is because you are valued as human beings that we confront you. We are not obligated by this act of forgiving to continue relationships with you, nor does our forgiveness wipe the slate clean. Our forgiveness demands that you change the direction of your life.

© 2008, 2007, 2006, 2005, 2004, 2003, 2002, 2001, 1997, 1996, 1995, 1991, Survivors And Victims Empowered, Lancaster, Pennsylvania.
No part of this publication may be reprinted without permission unless used in an article reviewing this publication. The organizations listed within this publication are not necessarily endorsed by Survivors And Victims Empowered.

Survivors And Victims Empowered
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http://www.childprotectionprogram.org